


The Condition of My Condition

by IHidMyFaceFromYouNoMore



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: (probably takes place somewhere near the end of season 1), (so before anyone knows the full ramifications of Dukat's crimes), Ah Heck i forgot one of the important tags, Alcohol, Anal, Brief Description of Blood, Brief depiction of violence, Cardassians With Claws, Cardassians with tails, Drinking, Drugs, Early in Canon, Explicit Sexual Content, Fingering, M/M, Masturbation, More Tags Will Follow as the Story Develops, Not Angst But Also Not... Happy, Rimming, Self-Lubricating Cardassians, Sexual Fantasy, and so forth lol, consensual drug use, handjob, so: cardassians are slightly more reptillian in this fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:27:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25327747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IHidMyFaceFromYouNoMore/pseuds/IHidMyFaceFromYouNoMore
Summary: Gul Dukat takes an interest in Julian for reasons Julian doesn't care about. It's not like he's getting anywhere with Garak, so he doesn't have anything to lose by associating with Dukat.But it's never as simple as that.
Relationships: Julian Bashir & Dukat, Julian Bashir & Elim Garak, Julian Bashir/Dukat, Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Comments: 44
Kudos: 73





	1. Chapter 1

Julian couldn’t for the life of him explain why Dukat lately seemed more cordial towards him than to others on the station. You'd think he’d suck up to Sisko, but no. Julian had picked up on it after a long week of the Gul making frequent stops at Deep Space Nine for meetings with the commander — something diplomacy related, it wasn’t important to what Julian had been experiencing with the Gul. 

Julian was occasionally in Ops when he arrived, striding through the room with his tail poised in a confident manner. Dukat always caught Julian’s eye with his own crocodilian gaze, initially making Julian nervous. Granted, it made him nervous because at the time, Julian believed Dukat to be a threat, given the rumors he heard around the station. So he thought the stares were hostile. He doubted it now. 

He'd also see Dukat darting his tongue at him for a split second every once in a while. Then there were times the Gul would walk up to him and make an off-hand comment about something Operations related, just trying to stir up conversation in between meetings. It was always very surface level. But then it was contrasted with the intimacy of the Gul standing far too close, peeking over Julian’s shoulder and such. Julian suspected that something territorial was going on, though he didn’t get why he was involved. 

Despite Julian having lived in this Quadrant for nearly a year already he didn’t have much firsthand experience with Cardassians. Well, of course, besides Garak. But yes, besides Garak, Julian had no real close interactions with Cardassians, so he didn’t exactly _know_ — but Julian could _tell_. 

And on top of that, besides not knowing much about Cardassians, Julian plainly didn’t know much about the Gul. He knew that Kira considered him scum, alluding to — incidents of a dubious nature that the man had been involved in. Kira never wanted to elaborate to Julian: she didn’t seem to like him much either. Odo always had a vigilant eye on the Gul, but like Kira, Julian never got to speak about it with Odo much. Funny, both of them didn’t seem to value Julian’s company much. He took that fact in his stride. 

Before now, Julian didn’t know what to believe, so he had stayed away as much as possible all this time. But he didn’t listen much to hearsay if he could be in a position to learn for himself. 

He was thinking all this as he looked over at Dukat. The man was standing by the palisade on the upper deck of the Promenade, surveying the lower deck. He had been doing it for a few minutes and Julian was supposed to be headed his way for an errand. But it was late in the evening, and Julian wasn’t really needed anywhere. He had a shot now to figure all his suspicions out. 

Julian strode up to him, making him turn to see who dared approach the Gul. When Dukat recognized him, his pointy teeth came out in a smile. “Doctor Bashir, isn’t it?” 

“It is. I hope I'm not interrupting something.” Julian gestured to the lower deck. 

The Gul gave him a knowing look. “No, not at all. I was only caught in memories of the old days. What do you want to speak to me about?” 

It was a good thing Julian had a stupid amount of confidence that arrived in bursts at opportune moments or else he would never get anywhere in life. “I thought _you_ might want to speak to me with the way you’ve been behaving around me lately.” 

The Gul reacted with astonishment and a brief pause. “Well! You've proven me right …” He raised a hand to gesture at himself and Julian couldn’t help but note the finely shaped claws adorning each of his fingers. They were a buffed matte obsidian hue and sharper than Julian would like to imagine. 

“Proven you right?” Julian tried to keep eye contact. 

“I had a bet with myself that you are more feisty than you look. I've won, haven’t I?” 

Julian kept his confident façade up. “Am I supposed to interpret your actions, or will you tell me what your intentions are?” 

Dukat's hollow yellow eyes honed in on Julian. He was thoroughly amused. “Doctor — I don’t think you need more clues than that. I'm impressed.” 

Julian hated how much it worked on him when Dukat used his condescending tone on him. “Are you going to do something about it, then?” He smirked to try and replicate the effect. 

A clawed hand came up to hold Julian’s upper shoulder. Dukat's thumbnail was poking into Julian’s clavicle with a threatening sharpness. “I don’t need to leave for Cardassia until I want to. I think I'd like to stay for a while longer.” 

Julian flexed under his hand. If he hadn’t been in a particularly unusual mood for the past few days then he wouldn’t be standing here. “I’ve got quarters in the Habitat Ring. I think we need to — talk there.” 

\- 

It wasn’t meant to be like this, not really. Not that Julian had much in the way of a plan with the Gul. Julian honestly didn’t dare expect that _this_ was really what Dukat’s intentions were. He thought they’d just talk and Julian could get some truths out of him. It seemed playing spy had backfired a bit on him. Luckily, it hadn’t backfired too badly. 

Somewhere along the two of them sitting on Julian’s sofa with some kanar, they had gotten too close for the comfort of personal spheres. Dukat’s tail was relaxing in Julian’s lap, so he stroked it like a pet. _Invading personal space seems to be a usual occurrence with Cardassians._ Julian downed some more kanar with that bitter thought. 

“You and Garak are friendly, aren’t you?” Dukat inquired apropos nothing. 

“I suppose you _could_ call us friends. Why?” _Not that Garak wants to see me much these days…_

“It’s just — interesting to me. I thought that if the two of you were friends, surely _you_ wouldn’t want anything to do with _me_.” Dukat was so close, Julian could count the scales in his face. 

“Why’s that?” 

“Well, he hates my guts. An old dispute, you see.” 

Julian took another drink, finding that his glass was empty already, so he put it away. “I — it’s a little complicated. I don’t _really_ think Garak is my friend, anyway. He's been very distant lately. It's not very interesting, sorry —” 

“Oh, no, do go on. Despite how much Garak dislikes me, I can’t find it in me to bear a grudge against the man. I worry about him too.” 

Julian was a little surprised. He couldn’t quite read if the Gul was being sincere. “I don’t know what else to say, he’s just been — ignoring me. But it’s fine. It's fine. I don’t want to talk about him right now, anyway.” Julian averted his eyes. _I don’t want to think about Garak right now, that’s why you’re here._

“Hm. I understand. If you feel upset, I have just the thing to help —” 

Dukat had a pouch on his uniform from which he pulled out a small jar of something. “Have you ever had _merrak_ , doctor?” He presented the jar with another condescending grin. 

Julian took it from his hand and opened the lid. A thick aroma of something woody, earthy, yet perfumey hit his nose and mouth even at an arm’s length. It looked to be a glossy, dark jelly inside the little pot. “I’ve never heard of it.” 

Dukat's smile widened. “Oh, you’re in for a treat — it’s a highly potent, highly invigorating substance …” He used just a claw to submerge into the stuff. “To Cardassians, this is the finest relaxant you can procure. It’ll make you wish you had heard of it years ago.” The claw came up with a dark coating, and Julian couldn’t help but follow Dukat’s finger as it rose up to his own mouth. 

Dukat opened up just enough to let his dark bluish, impossibly long tongue out. The split ends swiped at his claw and cleaned it, leaving the dark residue to travel back into his mouth. Dukat made a face of satisfaction as he closed his mouth again. “It’s quick to absorb. And yet it works for hours. I've found it lasts you a whole night.” 

Julian probably should have looked it up in the databanks right then and there. You never know what kinds of drugs are poisonous to humans. But he said _fuck it, fuck it all_. 

Out loud, Julian said nothing. He merely opened his mouth enough to reveal his tongue demurely to Dukat, awaiting his service. 

Dukat’s thin pupils began to dilate. He grinned wider and wider. The claw went back in, coming up slowly to rest on Julian’s delicate tongue. Julian thought briefly about how Dukat could tear him up this very moment with just that finger, the restraint of it all was too titillating. 

His claw painted Julian’s tongue languidly, unhurriedly, and Julian could finally taste the sweet, burnt taste of _merrak_. It stung gently and heated up quickly inside him. Julian retrieved his tongue, but he let Dukat’s digit come with. Looking into Dukat’s dark eyes, Julian licked all the rest he could get off Dukat’s finger, swallowing it all down. 

Dukat only removed his finger to come in and take a kiss from Julian. He tasted the _merrak_ on him, Julian in turn tasted it on Dukat, and both felt the dizzying effect soon enough. 

Julian started to feel warm as if he was in a nice bath, and needed to take his clothes off right that instant. It all came off before he helped Dukat out of his. They somehow made it to the nearby bedroom but ended up merely lying on the covers for a while whilst kissing away at each other. Time became a thick, dark jelly too, as Julian lost sense of how long they had laid there. All he knew was that he wanted it — his cock was swollen and hot and Julian took one of Dukat’s hands to guide him down and touch him. 

Cardassian hands are cool, and though the scales are finer on their palms they still have a tactile element that sat just right with Julian as Dukat stroked his cock. His claws occasionally caught onto thin skin though it didn’t tear, and Julian thought he would be more alarmed, but no. All his limbs were heavy, loose and floaty all at the same time. His brain felt like a cloud, his skin stayed warm without becoming clammy, and Julian thought for a moment if _merrak_ was what happiness tasted like. 

Dukat maneuvered so that he laid his chest to Julian’s back, stroking him from a nice angle while pressing his whole being to him. His tail snaked back up to lie over Julian’s legs again. Julian wondered about Dukat’s pleasure as his own hand wandered down to feel him. He immediately felt a wetness and a hardness poking at his palm. 

“Oh, you’d like me to evert, do you?” Dukat noticed. 

“Yes — yes …” Julian kept feeling around the head. Dukat groaned into his ear and the entirety of his _sotl_ slid out readily in Julian’s hand. Julian would have been surprised if he hadn’t been in such a daze. He had trouble holding onto Dukat as he was incredibly slippery with natural lubricant and so Julian gave up and instead positioned him so that he was trapped between his thighs. 

Dukat seemed to like that as he took to thrusting slowly. “You’re so soft and smooth all over — just like a Bajoran. Just how I like it.” 

Julian decided to try and ignore that. He instead focused on the feeling of Dukat’s scales against his body, but he soon lost focus along with his sense of time and space. The two were inside a different plane of existence as they laid there. Julian let the waves roll over him, letting go of his worries. _Garak …_

Especially letting go of that thought. He turned back to action, he reached for Dukat’s wetness again and used the excess to slip a finger inside himself. He got lost in the sensation and turned to get Dukat to kiss him again. Dukat's tongue tickled him and made Julian wonder what other places he’d like his tongue to be — there were too many to mention. 

It seemed Dukat had read him, because he let go of Julian’s mouth and moved on down to take Julian by his thighs. He parted him and laid his long tongue to Julian’s opening, first just licking him, then soon enough slipping inside of him. 

Julian thought he would be overwhelmed by this — the drug probably helped hold him back, though it was extraordinarily hard to do as Dukat fully extended his tongue inside of him. Good thing Julian had showered after his shift ended, though he doubted Dukat would mind, as he seemed to vigorously search inside of Julian. 

He was incredibly dexterous as he flexed in Julian, the split ends of his tongue reaching a depth Julian didn’t know was in there until he had come unexpectantly, oozing come from his cock for far too long than should be expected. Dukat didn’t stop until Julian signaled for him, and he retrieved his tongue. 

Julian wanted Dukat to use him now, even though his sensitivity had spiked he still wanted Dukat to fuck him, so he got him to line up and insert his _sotl_ into Julian at last. Dukat's size would have been an issue under any other circumstances, but Julian was relaxed and needing, so he slipped in without any tears. 

Dukat laid himself down on top of Julian, languidly fucking him into the mattress over the next long period of time. Julian drifted from oversensitivity to feeling insatiable, his cock still leaking occasionally with his strange new orgasm he was experiencing over a longer stretch of time. It was like he couldn’t stop, the handle had broken off the tap and Julian was feeling rather good about it. Dukat wasn’t in a hurry, he surprised Julian once more by being a gentle lover as he thrust in only to stay for a few seconds before going anywhere. 

Julian had only ever had quick fucks, never taken by someone who wanted to show him how far you can go. There was a tinge of emotion inside of him as he looked in Dukat’s eyes, the pupils so dilated you’d think his eyes were that of a Betazoid. Julian wondered if his own eyes looked the same to Dukat, what did he see in Julian? He held onto Dukat’s scaley back, wanting to feel him close for the time being. _I don’t know you,_ Julian vaguely and slowly mouthed, but Dukat didn’t seem to respond. He instead kissed Julian deeply again. 

There came a time when Dukat wasn’t able to hold on to the moment any longer either, and he stiffened up before coming inside. Against Julian’s will, his mind conjured an image of Garak in Dukat’s place for a split second, a fraction of the time Dukat took to empty himself entirely in Julian. But it was enough to sober Julian up enough for the time being. 

Dukat slipped away, slinking off Julian to lie beside him, looking like he needed to sleep as much as Julian did. 

Then the sound of Julian’s alarm went off. 

\- 

Julian couldn’t say he was hungover. He had taken a hypo of something to counteract the grogginess, but he wasn’t feeling spry either. His morning Raktajino didn’t pep him up like it normally did. It was like the world around him had been drained of flavor, he literally couldn’t taste the hot drink on his tongue. 

Now that he was somewhat sobered up, he had the opportunity to look up some information on that drug, but nothing came up with his search. Julian was supposed to be doing paperwork for some reason he couldn’t quite grasp at the moment. He considered calling in sick. But he knew deep down it wasn’t the residue of _merrak_ in his system that was making him feel strange right now. 

Dukat had left without further ado. Julian almost didn’t register it until Dukat was standing, fully dressed, in the door giving him a nod of the head as a goodbye. The Gul had put his stoic persona back on with his armor and left the station. Julian didn’t know what to do with himself. 

Julian did end up calling in sick. He excused himself with profuse apologies. He needed some time alone, he thought. He walked down the Promenade, feeling strange about how normal everything was despite what he had been up to in the past twelve hours. Julian walked past the Replimat, getting reminded that today was usually Garak and his lunch-date day. He walked by faster. 

Worse was that he had to cross past Garak’s shop to get home. And worse yet, Julian wished somewhere deep down that Garak would stroll out by chance, see him, and understand immediately. Julian would hold his head high, walk past without making eye contact as if to say _yes, I don’t need your company._

It was stupid, Julian very well knew. 

But Garak wasn’t strolling, he was taking furious steps toward Julian. 

Soon enough he was right in front of him, and Julian thought that he should be more alarmed at seeing Garak like this: clearly upset. But he was slow at taking it in. 

“Doctor — were you stopping by?” Garak’s tone was cordial, but his body language wasn’t. 

Julian was confused already. “No, I was … making my way home.” 

Garak's blue eyes narrowed, the thin pupils like knives. “Is that so? Unusual for you, I thought you’d be in the Infirmary at this hour.” 

“I had a rough night, Garak. I called in sick.” 

Garak’s nose twitched once with disgust. “Rough indeed — I can smell the _merrak_ on you a mile away.” 

Julian guiltily glanced down at Garak’s hands. He noted how his claws were finely manicured into nothing but a stump, resembling human fingernails almost. “What am I being interrogated for?” 

Garak spitefully darted his tongue at him. “It’s not the only thing I can smell on you.” 

Julian found the courage to stand up a little straighter. “And?” 

“I knew you were upset with me, but this is taking it a step too far in terms of revenge. He's not what he seems.” 

Julian gaped with astonishment and fury. “Right now, Garak, I don’t particularly care what you think of Dukat. And me, upset with _you_? You're going to pretend you aren’t the one who has been ignoring me all week?” 

“Really, doctor, that’s quite petulant of you to accuse me of. I've done no such thing. I have been in my shop all this time, not hiding from you, I don’t see how that’s ignoring you.” Garak was terribly serious. 

Julian couldn’t believe his ears. All the daze left in his body was replaced with contempt. “I’m not going to stand here and be insulted. And how dare _you_ judge me.” Julian pushed past him and kept walking toward the turbo lift. 

_Yes, I don’t need your company._


	2. Chapter 2

Julian's days were crawling on by without him. It wasn’t until he was in the Infirmary one day, alone for a change, that he caught up with time. The nurses had gone to lunch and he didn’t feel like going out with them, his computer seemed to be the more reliable companion at this moment in his life. He was doing whatever, absorbed in his task, when someone familiar peeked over his shoulder. 

Dukat didn’t give him a scare, but Julian could feel the chemicals in his brain spark at the sight of the man. Dukat made that smile that he always did when he wanted something, and he then invited himself over to Julian’s that evening. 

Julian almost wanted to scream _yes_ , picturing how he finally could get out of his slump with the help of the Gul. 

Dukat had Julian in his lap, legs spread over his own, the entirety of Julian’s back draped over him. The Gul was tasting his naked neck while a claw circled one of Julian’s nipples. The other hand teased his thigh inwards, not quite touching the most essential of places yet. 

The _merrak_ had been swapped out for merlot tonight. Last time, Julian had only had about a thimble and a half of _kanar_ , but now he admitted he had maybe gone overboard on the wine. Well, they had both drunk about the same amount. But Julian didn’t see Dukat exhibiting the traits of a tipsy man. 

What was important was that Julian was hard and they were both naked on the sofa and Dukat was on his neck with his pointy teeth. His _sotl_ was pressing to Julian’s lower back, Julian would occasionally grind into him to make Dukat moan. 

Julian was dizzy with pleasure already. When he removed himself to turn around completely, his head swam in a delicious way. He placed his cock to Dukat’s _sotl_ and began pressing into him again. The size difference, color difference, all the differences were fascinating to watch in front of him as he held around both of them in his hand. He had his other hand around Dukat’s neck, holding him like a lover would. He pressed his forehead to the spoon, the _chufa_ , in the man’s own forehead, feeling a kiss coming on. 

When Julian closed his eyes, his invasive thoughts showed him the angered face of Garak, telling him about Dukat, Garak tasting the tainted air around Julian. So Julian tried to keep them open, not let it overwhelm him. He kept repeating his mantra in his head: _yes, I don’t need your company._

Dukat's hands brought him back, they were now feeling how smooth the skin of his hips were. “Tell me what you’d like, doctor —” Dukat said before kissing him briefly. 

Was it really any secret that Julian got off on being addressed formally? His twitching cock was making the argument for it. “I’m going to need you to fuck me later, but first there’s something I'd like to try.” 

Dukat responded with a curious _Oh?_ and awaited Julian’s action. Julian detangled from him and slid off the sofa with all the dignity of a slightly drunk person. With Dukat sitting, legs spread for Julian, Julian was on his knees faced with Dukat’s _sotl_ , just as he wanted to. 

He had a better angle for stroking Dukat this time around, his slippery _sotl_ wasn’t any less wet and hard to get a grip of but this time Julian wasn’t blindsided by it. He wanted a taste, so he went up to the tip and laid his tongue flat against Dukat. The flavor was wildly different from what he could have expected. Dukat was both mild with a sweet note and yet metallic and coarse on Julian’s tongue. 

There was no chance in hell he was going to be able to fit much of him inside, but he made an attempt by letting Dukat’s head into his mouth. Julian would normally feel up his partner’s sac while doing this but since there was none, he took to slipping his fingers around the _ajan_ opening from which the _sotl_ sprung. He found it was pleasant to feel up and down the wet folds of the lips, but Dukat seemed to like it more than him. Julian soon had a hand fingering his hair, not quite controlling his head or gripping his locks but definitely holding onto him. 

“Is this — what you humans tend to do — with your partners …?” Dukat said, straining each word out. 

Julian removed his mouth only enough to speak. “What, Cardassians don’t do oral?” 

The hand gripped a little tighter in Julian’s hair. “It’s — unusual for us. Now I regret not getting to you sooner.” 

Julian would have been moved if it had been appropriate for the setting. He went back to taking Dukat inside him, trying to go harder and further. His fingers slipped deeper into the _ajan_ lips, far enough inside to feel Dukat twitch then feel Julian twitch himself when a thought entered his mind. He didn’t know if he could ask to come inside of Dukat when the time arrived, but he was thinking it. If he felt as good around Julian’s fingers as he would around his cock, Julian knew he wouldn’t last long. 

Soon enough, he went back up to face Dukat and sit spread out in his lap again. Dukat kissed him, tasting him with his entire tongue and trying to get him close enough for his _sotl_ to rub against Julian’s entrance. Everything was so slick that he slid inside with ease once more, slowly thrusting upward to become connected to Julian. 

Dukat made an elongated moan on an exhale. “Yes, why didn’t I approach you sooner — _ah_ —” 

Julian had begun to ride Dukat, leisurely up and down. “I — I don’t know why I didn’t either —” He stopped talking and twitched when Dukat leaned forward to latch onto a nipple. His teeth were not as sharp as Julian had previously feared, but they could sting. 

“You’re so pliant — and the things you do to me, _ah_ — you’re very talented, doctor.” 

Julian stroked his own leaking cock, he was tightened up all over but unsure if he was close to coming. It helped whenever Dukat mentioned his title, though. He decided to pick up speed, trying to fuck Dukat with a more steady rhythm. 

“You want it faster?” Dukat looked up at him. His pupils adjusted to the lights from the ceiling and narrowed up in that way that continued to amaze Julian. 

“Yes —” Julian almost hadn’t finished his word before Dukat slid out of him, taking him in his arms to lay them both down. 

“How about you turn over for me?” 

Julian didn’t need to go _yes_ again, he knew he wanted it. He laid flat against the cushions feeling Dukat carefully spreading his cheeks apart to access him once more. He leaned into Julian and held him down in a manner that was still oddly gentle considering the position. Dukat’s thrusting was not gentle in the least, however. 

Julian's cock was pushed into the foam of the cushions, no doubt leaving an imprint of sorts. He couldn’t move much but his twitching and Dukat’s thrusts did a lot of the work for him as he rubbed into the sofa. 

It seemed Dukat wasn’t built for speed as he didn’t go long before he ended up coming and staying in Julian for the next while. His _sotl_ slid out as he went up on his knees, then turned Julian onto his back. He used a hand to smooth down Julian’s hair which was all over the place before that. 

“You haven’t finished?” Dukat went on to hold Julian’s jaw lightly. 

“No — I —” Julian was weirdly out of breath and couldn’t chain two thoughts together at the moment. 

“How about I help?” Dukat’s eyes glowed in the dim light. Or so Julian believed, as Dukat took Julian’s cock, ready to burst, in his hand and guided him to his _ajan_. 

If Julian had just been thinking about how Dukat finished quick under the circumstances, then he hadn’t seen this coming his way. Dukat was silky and too warm around him and Julian could only utter meaningless noises as Dukat rode him to completion. Julian was weirdly out of breath before, but now he was very out of breath, having Dukat clenching around him as Julian came in an aggressive stream of noises and twitches. 

Once his breathing returned to normal, Dukat was laying over him again, kissing Julian for his accomplishments. Julian put his hands on the sides of Dukat’s face to really look at him. His mind had found clarity now that he had returned to a more stable state of being and looking at Dukat made him think in full sentences again. 

“What is it?” Dukat’s yellow eyes had returned to normal too, and so had his smile. 

“Just that you’re right, we should have done this sooner.” Julian replied. 

Dukat adjusted so that he didn’t loom over Julian but instead lied on his elbow next to him on the almost too slim sofa that just accommodated both of their bodies. “I suppose I assumed too quickly that you and Garak were close, so I didn’t think to try approaching you earlier.” 

Julian's near-smile faded a bit. “What is it with you and him anyway?” 

“It’s a long dispute, I've told you already. It's not exactly pillow-talk material.” 

“Well, what’s the gist of it?” _I need answers. For once, give me an answer._

Dukat looked into the distance for just a second, probably at the chronometer on the wall. He fixed his eyes back on Julian’s with a seriousness. “Let’s just say, you cannot trust him under any circumstances. He's known for being … liberal with the truth.” 

Julian was about to ask more, but he realized that he didn’t want to after all. 

\- 

Okay, _now_ Julian was definitely hung over. In the morning, he had to scramble through his nightstand for the hypo he needed for it until he realized he was fresh out. He had to worm his way to his medical bag and regretted ever touching a drop of alcohol with each half-step he took. The world had gone from nicely dizzy to thundering and hostile in his head. The hypo rushed through him and took the worst of the sensations as if they had been ejected from the airlock; one clean vacuuming later, Julian was almost back to normal. 

Once again, Julian didn’t say much when Dukat left. The man shot him another nod and a look and Julian could tell that they were far from finished. He would have been thrilled if he wasn’t still a little wobbly from the hangover-cure. 

Once Julian had woken up properly, he realized he couldn’t look himself in the mirror without thinking about what he had to do. He couldn’t keep dancing around it like he had for days. Despite what the two had talked about last night, Julian’s distance with Garak would never sit right with him. 

Julian stood outside Garak’s shop but not for too long before entering, walking through to the middle of the room. He'd been there enough times to know where to find Garak if he was mysteriously absent. Then the door to the back room swished open and Garak didn’t notice Julian standing on his sales floor until he had taken a few steps. He stopped entirely and looked Julian straight in the eye. 

“Doctor.” Garak simply greeted. It was never a good sign when Garak had run out of words to greet with. 

“I’ve come to apologize.” Julian didn’t waste time. 

“Oh?” Garak uttered, not as much in surprise as it was with realization. 

“I think we had a misunderstanding the other day. And I overreacted. I didn’t think properly, I jumped to conclusions instead of considering your perspective, I —” 

Garak gestured for Julian to stop. “Please, doctor. You’ve got a lot of words for any occasion and I don’t need to hear them all.” He seemed to try and find the right expression as well. “I don’t wish to be in an argument with you if I can avoid it. So, I would like to put it all behind us, leave the past to lie dormant.” 

Julian smiled guiltily. “I know. I’d like to do that too. I'm just sorry for being so rash with you.” 

Garak squirmed a little over his own discomfort. “Safe to say, I was rash too. Regrettably.” 

There was that awkward moment there is in any reconciliation where a pause falls heavily over the conversation. 

“I take it this means you have ended your dalliance with Dukat?” 

Julian frowned a little, still smiling. “No — no, I haven’t.” 

Garak's expression changed too. “You continue to — see him?” 

“It’s my right to do so, isn’t it?” 

Garak laughed bitterly. “You expect me to forgive you while you maintain your association with him?” 

Julian threw his hands up as if giving in. “Alright, so here’s what my problem with this is; everyone around me says he’s bad news, yet weirdly enough, no-one wants to actually tell me what it is he has supposedly done. And what does it even matter? I'm not his friend, I'm not his colleague, I'm not allied with him. It's an entirely different situation, Garak.” 

Garak looked impatient. “Because, doctor, they are _unspeakable_ matters. It would take a while to map out the crimes Dukat committed over the course of the occupation. And you clearly don’t have the patience to sit through me telling you about it, as I can hear you’ve already made your mind up as to whose side you’re on.” 

Julian felt devastated but there was no way he would show it. He had one knife left in his scabbards. “You’ve always been so liberal with the truth. Why should I trust you now?” 

It was a perfect hit. Garak wasn’t bleeding, but he bled internally. “You won’t. So I'll let you go on your merry ways. Good day, doctor.” 

And Garak walked again. And Julian felt he had no choice but to walk away as well. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof.
> 
> (if you have any thoughts, please, leave a comment ! i love reading comments and hearing what you all think.)


	3. Chapter 3

Jadzia put her hand up as a gentle ‘stop’. “I think I understand now, Julian.” 

“Okay.” Julian looked away, feeling guilty about blabbering on about his problems. Since they had sat down at the Replimat he had been opening up about everything that was happening, even though he couldn’t quite bring himself to open up all the way. It wasn’t as if Jadzia was really his good friend, but right now she was his only real friend on the station. 

Jadzia deliberated for a moment before speaking again. “Whoever this other person that’s come between you and Garak is, I think it’s clear what you have to do. But why don’t you want to tell me who they are? It's not like you to keep the identity of a partner secret.” 

Julian sighed. Sure, he wanted to tell Jadzia but he also really didn’t. “Because I don’t need everyone on this station who hears about it to hate me even more than they already do.” He said, immediately regretting how pathetic it came out. 

Jadzia looked genuinely concerned while retaining a sternness. “No-one here hates you. And I swear this won’t leave this table. I still have secrets I've kept for 130 years.” 

Julian believed her, but it didn’t make him feel better. “It’s probably for the best if I don’t say, anyway. It's not important who it is. What's important to know is that they’re … an old acquaintance of Garak, and I guess they left things off on a bad note. So Garak seems to resent me for even associating with them.” He looked at his cup of tea. “Did you really just say that it was clear what I’m supposed to do? I can’t see how it possibly could be clear.” 

Jadzia offered a smile to show that she had meant it not in a condescending manner, but as a friend would to another friend. “When you’re as old as I am, you get to make a lot of experiences. And experiences usually mean bumping into people that don’t like you for one reason or other. And there’s been many times where I've been upset with a friend for being friends with my enemies. But, Julian —” she paused for emphasis, “all I can say, as juvenile as it may be, is follow your gut. You feel happy being with this person even if it means that Garak will have to deal with it in his own time? You go for that. You feel that you’d rather accommodate Garak and so you end things with this person? Both are equally good options. You just have to take one and run with it.” 

Julian looked down with a sigh. His tea had gone cold, he could tell from there. “I suppose. But that means the only person that can make the choice — is me. And I don’t trust my own emotions right now because they’re all over the place.” 

Jadzia cocked her head. “I’m just saying, you get a lot out of listening to your internal compass. It's my best advice, so take it or leave it, young man.” 

Julian smiled despite himself and his rotten mood. “I’ve told you to stop calling me that already.” 

Jadzia got up from her chair with a mischievous grin. She could tell that Julian was still upset to some degree, so when she walked, she stopped to put her hand on his shoulder and looked him in the eye. “No-one hates you, Julian.” 

She left, leaving Julian with his cold tea. His gut felt cold too. _But you didn’t see his face, Jadzia._

\- 

Every time Julian looked at the chronometer in his quarters, at his desk, on the Promenade, in Ops, at the Replimat, at Quark’s, in a runabout, anywhere, he was reminded of how long it had been since he’d seen Garak. 

He didn’t count minutes or hours, but time had gone back to being an immovable object that he couldn’t escape. It wasn’t as much a dark jelly anymore, but a block of stone which Julian had to somehow move through. He spent his days being utterly bereft of incentive to do anything beyond the basics, which only slowly chipped away at the block. 

If he had known that his spat with Garak would lead to this, he would have — ugh, did it even matter speculating _now_? Julian lied on his bed on top of the covers. His shift had ended a few hours ago and he had been doing absolutely nothing since then. He'd had a book to read, Joyce’s _Ulysses_ , but it gave him a sour taste in his mouth when he tried. He and Garak were supposed to have discussed it together before everything had happened. At least work allowed him to move a few steps through the block of stone. When he was alone like this, it was like someone had flicked his off switch. 

Julian was in his blue pajamas because he thought he might as well be comfortable if he was going to wallow in his own misery. And taking a nap was a way to jump in time, at least a little bit. Lying there, Julian didn’t do much sleeping, though. He tried to make the train of thought in his head take a break, but it kept rolling. 

Garak’s angered face was at the forefront of that thought. 

In an act of total boredom, Julian slipped his hands past the elastic waistbands of his pants and underwear. Maybe he could focus on something else down there, change his state of mind for a little while. He didn’t really commit to stroking his cock, he just held himself in his hand at first, pulling gently, feeling the sensitive skin between his fingers. Instinctually, Julian became hard by default at the attention, and soon he fell into distraction by his own arousal. He used his other hand to feel the lower regions, cupping his sac in a comforting manner. The warmth was half the comfort. 

The image of Dukat placing his claw on Julian’s tongue came to his mind. Julian recalled the sensation as he rolled his tongue in his mouth to spark the memory. He bit down gently on his tongue to recreate the sharpness of Dukat’s claw scraping him. He didn’t draw blood, not with his incisor only pressing down into the meat of his tongue to tease, not to hurt, just like Dukat had done. 

Julian's eyes closed as he saw this fly-on-the-wall perspective of Dukat everting into his hand. He imagined the human cock in his real hands to be the _sotl_ he had come to enjoy so much. Although he’d need some lubricant to recreate the feel, which he couldn’t bother to fish out of his nightstand. Julian pulled his waistbands down enough for better access, he could now freely stroke his cock like he’d normally do when pleasuring himself. 

The fly on the wall saw Julian grinding down on Dukat, fucking him with his thighs. Julian remembered how even though Dukat wasn’t yet inside him at that point, he had rubbed against his entrance in such an intoxicating way. Julian placed two fingers down there, not entering but just rubbing against the ring of muscle to feel it. He was beginning to regret not getting the lubricant out. He really didn’t want to pause his fantasy to reach over. _If Dukat was here, I wouldn’t need it. He'd just have to rub against me, or I could touch him and coat my fingers in his oil. I'd slip right in, and_ — 

Julian pictured fingering himself with ease. Dukat would be watching, _sotl_ everted and ready but waiting. He'd probably lean over Julian to take his nipple in his mouth again. Julian couldn’t get wet in the real world, but he could take a finger and wet it with his lips, slipping it under his shirt and pinch his nipple just a little. The nub slipped between his fingers deliciously. The image of Dukat’s tongue was now all Julian could see and feel, his tongue would be central to Julian’s imaginings whenever he pleasured himself now. 

Things were easier when Julian was just stroking his cock, thinking of Dukat, thinking of what they’d done together. Until his mind space was once more invaded with the thought of Garak, of the tongue on his nipple belonging to Garak, of the _sotl_ rubbing at his entrance being Garak’s. Unlike the other times, Julian didn’t attempt to stop it. Dukat faded — Garak’s likeness stayed vivid in his mind’s eye despite the fact that it had been weeks since Julian had seen his face. It was always there. 

Garak was stroking his cock through Julian’s hands, he was the one latching onto his nipple, his blue eyes were the ones admiring Julian. Julian could hear his voice whispering sweet nothings, something Garak would probably never do in the real world. _Not that I'll ever know for sure._ Julian laid the thought aside, instead going back to that scenario; what would Garak and him do next… 

Julian didn’t hear the lock being overridden at the door. He didn’t hear the door’s closing, nor the boots making their way through his quarters, he only heard his own breathing that was so loud in his ears. 

“I hope I'm not intruding.” Dukat’s velvet voice finally hit Julian’s ears and his eyes sprang open to see the Gul standing next to his bed. 

Julian should have been panicked for a plethora of reasons. But he somehow failed to, instead looking at Dukat standing there as if he had been summoned by Julian’s fantasy and had arrived to fulfill it. Julian didn’t even want to ask how he’d gotten in. “You’re overdressed.” 

Dukat didn’t need to be told twice. His armor came off while Julian had to watch hungrily. Dukat dove between Julian’s legs, laying down to meet him in a kiss. “You’ve gotten yourself ready for me, have you?” His claws pulled the pajama bottoms off entirely and then parted Julian’s legs a little more. 

Julian didn’t hesitate to let him get closer. And he wasted no time in laying his fingers to Dukat’s _ajan_ , feeling how the tip of the _sotl_ was already out. He got Dukat to line his head up with Julian’s entrance, letting him slip right in without further ado. 

“You’ll need more than that, though, right?” Dukat asked, obviously not expecting an answer in return. The only answer he got was Julian’s aroused breathing. Dukat then began to properly evert, directly into Julian, moving forward without needing to thrust yet. 

He moaned grandly. “Finding you on the bed already getting yourself off must be the highlight of my week — that was an incredible sight … you should have seen yourself, spread out like that, anyone would be lucky to get to ravish you. You're really in a league of your own, doctor —” He started to thrust, stopping only briefly to take Julian’s leg to hoist up on his shoulder. The stretch made Julian even more incoherent. He knew he wouldn’t be able to last anywhere at all, he thought he might as well get the job done; he stroked his cock determinately now to build up the finish. 

But it turned out it wasn’t going to be as easy as that. Julian kept going, Dukat kept going at a reasonable pace, but Julian wasn’t building toward anything. He was hard, but he was not about to come like he thought he would now that Dukat was fulfilling him again. 

Dismayed, Julian pulled Dukat down for a kiss, a long one. Because of their position, Julian could close his eyes, and no one would be any the wiser. 

Garak's scales felt wonderful underneath Julian’s hands that caressed around his nape and shoulder as he held him down in their kiss. In his mindscape, Julian was being fucked tenderly while getting stroked by Garak, who kissed him like a lover would. The thrill of the fantasy fueled the inevitable orgasm Julian was now definitely about to experience as he rapidly stroked himself, combined with Garak fucking him steadily, _Garak, oh, don’t stop, don’t leave, keep going —_

Julian came as he was being fucked, the tension leaving his body with a series of moans. It was only broken by the reality Julian experienced when it was undoubtedly Dukat groaning in his ear — not Garak. Garak had left. 

Dukat collapsed into Julian, spent and tired. He raised himself up enough to look Julian in the eye. “Now that — that was something.” 

Julian didn’t want to reply. The block of stone returned in his vision the longer he looked at Dukat. He removed his hands and started to unbutton his shirt just to have something to do. He sat up, getting Dukat to back off. 

“You’re awful quiet, haven’t said a word to me since you told me to strip. What's the matter?” 

Julian dreaded the question. Mostly because he didn’t have any good answers. “I’m sorry, I don’t know. I'm just — feeling quiet today.” He got up to head for the bathroom. But a tail-end caught his ankle and Julian nearly stumbled. 

He looked back over his shoulder. Dukat looked less amused now. “I don’t like that answer, doctor. I detect something’s on your mind. You ought to tell me.” 

“I said, I don’t know. I've had a strange couple of days, and I would like to be left alone for a while.” Julian looked down at the tail, expecting it to slacken now. It did not. 

The tail twisted further up by a bit. “I don’t know why you’re acting like this. I come here for a diversion, and you act cold toward me as soon as we’re done? That's very low of you.” 

Julian stepped his captured leg back a little, trying to signal for Dukat to release him. “I’m sorry! But that’s quite enough, let me go. You can’t keep me —” 

Dukat yanked Julian enough to make him nearly fall onto the floor. He laughed at seeing Julian in this precarious position. The ridicule washed over Julian as a cold shower would. 

Dukat slackened his grip and his tail went back to lying lazily over the edge of the bed. “If I wanted to, believe me — I would.” 

He casually changed the subject with a glance through the room. “Apropos nothing, give a guess at who I saw on the Promenade today on my way over.” 

Julian felt stricken. His cheek was hot as if he had been clipped a moment ago. He, once again, didn’t have to answer, because Dukat didn’t wait around. 

“Garak was loitering around the upper deck like the lowly creep he is. I walked right past him, and then I looked him in the eye. The coward couldn’t even say anything to me. He knew where I was going. If he wasn’t keeping his distance before, he surely is now. You haven’t talked much to him in a long time, right?” 

Julian couldn’t even look at him. He took to looking for a clean set of clothes in his drawers. “Not for weeks. Not really since —” Julian paused before he gave up on the sentence. 

“I thought so. I was hoping he would take the hint once I made my move with you.” Dukat likewise assembled his clothes. “Glad it worked.” 

Julian was stopped in his actions. He only now realized he had been with Dukat for the first time while not under the influence of a suppressant. His head was finally clear. Julian took all his clothes into his arms, walking to the bathroom with determination. He made a mental note to go seek out Miles as soon as possible to talk about an upgrade in security. 


	4. Chapter 4

Garak looked Julian in the eye, glancing over the rim of his cup of _rokassa_ juice as if he held a secret, which he of course always did. “So, doctor — we must get to this book before you have to run off again so soon. This Melville...” 

Julian watched Garak’s smirk grow and he emulated it himself. Garak was about to share his ‘secret’ with him — it was always the best part of their routine in Julian’s opinion. “Now, this one, you’ve got to be honest with me, it’s really something special, isn’t it? _Moby Dick_ is a baffling novel, the definition of a magnum opus basically comes from the legacy of this story…" Julian cut himself off because he’d rather hear what Garak had to say. 

“Yes, and I must admit — I _quite_ enjoyed it.” 

“Really?” _Now, that’s a first._

“Oh, yes — Melville certainly understood the true essence of storytelling.” 

“How so, Garak?” 

“The pacing is a testament to that fact. Sure, it does rather run headfirst in the first hundred or so pages, he seemed to rush to conclude act one in order to get Queequeg and Ishmael to the ship so that things could take the shape they were meant to be. My experience is rather soured by that first part, but the following acts all keep an ideal pace in my opinion.” 

Julian liked that Garak never failed to surprise him. “You mean the long, inconsistent middle of the book where Ishmael pads the voyage with tidbits until Ahab finally squares off with the whale? That was your favorite part?” 

“Yes, very much so! And now that you mention it, yes, the ending — what a _waste_ of potential.” 

“You’d rather have Ahab kill Moby Dick and get away with it in the end?” 

Garak leaned back a little in his chair nonchalantly. “No, no, of course not. Having Ahab and the crew encounter the whale _completely_ defeats the purpose of the preceding acts.” 

Julian had to laugh. Garak loved playing this game with him, Julian could tell. “You can’t be serious. How so?” 

“Oh, but I am serious, dear doctor. The beauty of the story is ruined when Moby Dick shows up and effortlessly ends it in just a few pages. I was under the impression for the majority of the reading that the point of the book was that Moby Dick never truly existed — or that Ahab simply wouldn't ever be allowed to enact his revenge. He shouldn’t have gotten the satisfaction of death, instead he should have been doomed to an eternity at sea, giving the story the never-ending flow it deserves.” 

Julian couldn’t stop watching Garak and how his speech developed with all the sincerity in the world. It was nothing short of admiration that Julian felt as he listened. “Well, when you put it like that, that would have given the story an interesting angle. So, in your scenario, Ahab is — in hell? Condemned to his own purgatory?” 

Garak took a bite out of his dessert and swallowed, clearing his mouth completely before continuing, keeping Julian in suspense throughout. “He’s in a hell of his own making. And the worst part is that he deserves it.” 

Julian was awoken with that memory playing as he stared out the porthole in his bedroom. He thought for a moment that it was raining outside, but he was only seeing the stars blur and focus in his vision. 

“Computer, play Ambient Rain White Noise Program number seven at half volume.” Julian ordered, listening to the beep of compliance from the speakers before the sounds booted up. He closed his eyes again, listening to the stereo of raindrops falling on the roof above him somewhere that didn’t exist. It had been years since he’d been in a home surrounded by gravity that allowed for rain. Meteor showers don’t count. 

Why his memory of a lunch with Garak was the first thing he thought of that morning was not ever going to be made clear. And why it had tied to his sudden desire for rain was equally an enigma to him. Maybe it was a remnant of Julian’s thoughts about _Moby Dick_ , of being in a cabin aboard the Pequod and looking out the porthole splashed with salt water, not rain. 

Garak had actually been the first to bid Julian goodbye at that lunch. It was always Julian who had to run back to the Infirmary as soon as his lunch hour was up, but not this time. This one time, Garak had excused himself with needing to run an errand. Julian had asked him what kind of errand, Garak had replied with something deflecting. Sometimes Julian wondered if Garak lied just for the hell of it, not because he’d actually had a secret errand to run that day, but because he liked witnessing Julian’s never-ending interest in his intriguing life. 

_Probably won’t be having lunch with Garak again. And for what — my pride? His pride?_

It now felt like an infinitely small spark that had caused the ending to their relation. Julian felt that burning sense of shame when he thought back on it. Of him feeling like Garak had been ignoring him for a few days too many, when it all was nothing at all. 

Julian had been so convinced in his own belief that _if he wants to see me, he’ll find me_ and then when Garak decided not to that week, Julian thought of it as — betrayal. Stupid, stupid. How stupid, _childish, idiotic, impatient, immature_ — 

Julian clenched his eyes shut harder as though it would make him see even less. _Yes, Garak, I too deserve it._

\- 

Julian decided to work through it. He could power through his shifts and stay at his desk if he had to. He tried to shut himself in by way of doing this. _It's worked before when I've been through hard times, it should work now too._ He didn’t have to feel, he just had to function on a day-to-day basis. 

It was all repetition of a mundane palindrome: sleep, eat, work, eat, sleep. Whenever Julian was in the middle of one of the three components, he was oddly reminded of _Moby Dick_ again, of its repetitive drudgery he was living through currently. 

But when he thought about that, he was reminded of what he was missing. Julian didn’t want to discuss _Moby Dick_ , he wanted to discuss _Moby Dick_ — with Garak. And then the novel faded away, and it was instead just him and Garak there. They didn’t even have to be discussing anything. 

The dream of normalcy was so far away in his mind, it looked unattainable from where he was standing. It was like the distance between Julian and Garak having a conversation, having lunch, like they used to, was a sea’s width. _Again with the fucking_ Moby Dick _thoughts and comparisons, enough_. 

Ironically, Garak was becoming Julian’s white whale. And even though Julian hated most of himself at the moment, he couldn’t help but feel weirdly comforted by the thought. It reminded him that at the very least, he wasn’t just like Ahab, even if Julian was now the villain of his own story. 

So absorbed was Julian in something as mind-numbing as paperwork drudgery that he didn’t notice his visitor. The claws poked through the two layers of his uniform’s right shoulder when a hand rested on top of Julian’s arm. 

Julian thought that if he turned around now, he would get hurt. 

“Are you busy?” Dukat was instead the one to turn Julian around in his revolving chair to face him. “I have two hours before I need to be somewhere. Your shift is about to end, isn’t it?” 

Julian stood up, getting Dukat’s hand to slide off him. “We can talk outside.” 

Dukat frowned, not understanding. “You’re taking such a serious tone with me. Am I supposed to be worried, doctor?” 

Julian didn’t reply, he instead walked the couple of meters out the doors to stand on the steps leading from the Promenade to the Infirmary entrance. 

He then faced Dukat again, composed this time. “You can’t show up like this anymore. Because I don’t think I want to — see anyone for the time being.” He considered apologizing for his sudden turn-around but decided against it. 

Dukat made an amused expression. “I see how it is. I'm not going to let go of you that easy. And I know you don’t really want to end it either. You're certainly not making a very compelling case right now.” 

“It’s not like that, I just can’t see you or anyone else right now. And I need you to not approach me anymore. Please — go.” Julian felt he was backed into a corner despite not standing near the closest one. 

Dukat's expression changed. “You’re not serious, are you?” 

“Yes. I am.” 

Dukat laughed, once. He lowered his voice for his reply. “You’re making a rash decision. If you want, we could talk about it. Not that it would change much. I know you need someone to take care of you the way I do, and I'm happy to oblige — so why do you think that you can go now?” 

“All I know is that I need some time to myself. And it may be indefinite. I don’t need to talk about it, and I'd rather not. So please go.” Julian steadied his stance. 

Dukat changed tack again. He lowered his voice further in a threatening manner as he came closer. “I won’t accept this wishy-washy excuse, doctor. There's something you’re not telling me, and I want —” 

Julian really felt Dukat’s claws this time when he gripped his arm. They dug deep enough to make him wince. 

“ — honesty.” 

It was a cold sweat that ran down Julian’s back. He wanted to curl up and let Dukat finish it all. But he couldn’t allow it. 

“You do? This, for starters, is why. Don't you ever talk to me like that again —” Julian gained enough momentum to yank his arm back, but it cost him. There was a ripping noise. And pain followed. “Don’t ever come near me, or I will call for the chief of security. I won’t hesitate to take action against you.” Julian backed away. He briefly touched his arm, but he couldn’t look away now. It felt like only a superficial wound, luckily. 

Dukat stretched his neck, looking slightly unsure of himself. “You don’t know what you’re doing. You’re acting so foolish. I didn’t expect _that_ from you. But fine — I am clearly not wanted here, so I will leave you to it.” 

He walked over to Julian, this time actually backing him into the corner. 

“Don't come running back to me when he rejects you.” 

And then he walked away, out of Julian’s sight. Julian still stared blankly into the air, in something like disbelief over what just happened. He could now look at his arm, see the minuscule amount of already-dried blood on his fingers from the scratch. He turned his arm enough to see the ruined fabric. 

He stood there. It took Julian a few more minutes before he realized that he had to go back into his office and work again. But then he’d have to explain the wounds to the nurses. So he stayed out there for a while longer. 

\- 

At night, Julian felt the cortisol coursing through him. He had this image of Dukat standing at the foot of his bed, claws raised. The image wouldn’t leave his bedroom. Needless to say, he didn’t sleep much the first night. At least at work he felt somewhat protected, surrounded by people. Julian compensated with too much Raktajino at all hours of the day. Why he didn’t go and schedule something with the counselor was a good question. If he had been one of his patients, Julian would have immediately prescribed it. _Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. Why can’t I stop thinking ‘if’ and ‘why’._

The strange thing was that beside the uneasiness and anxiety, Julian was feeling — better. Different. Marginally. Something had dislodged itself while he hadn’t been looking. He started to enjoy work somewhat again. He begged himself to not ruin it, not let this better feeling leave him so soon. 

Julian unfortunately had to return to an empty chamber after all his other options were exhausted. There weren’t that many other options, so it was still only evening when he came back. He paced the apartment once, almost by default, checking for no reason that everything was like it used to be. He stopped in his bedroom, looking at yesterday’s clothing lying in a pile on the floor. He picked up the uniform, beyond salvaging. He was about to take it with him to the incinerator, but there were other plans for him that he didn’t know about just yet. 

The doorbell chimed. Julian walked over to look into the viewscreen. 

Garak. _Garak?_

With a slight tremble, Julian pressed the button to open. 

He was standing there, looking very real. And Julian was standing there. He allowed himself to look at Garak, look at his body language properly. The image of Garak’s angered face in Julian’s mind vaporized. No, _this_ was the real Garak; the person standing gently in front of him, awaiting his response. 

“Garak.” _Garak?_

“Doctor — I'm sorry to bother you at this hour.” He stated, very matter-of-factly. “Would it be possible for us to have a talk?” 

Garak entered Julian’s quarters for the first time in weeks, but he looked so natural being back there. Julian pushed the button that shut the door behind Garak as soon as the tip of his tail had travelled inside with the rest of him. 

Julian wondered if he should ask him to take a seat, but he figured he’d need to know what his agenda was first. “What do you want to talk to me about?” 

Garak’s finely manicured hands looked nervous almost. The subtle polish on them was chipped. “I walked along the Promenade yesterday. I passed the Infirmary, and I happened to see your conversation with Dukat from afar. Of course, I couldn’t hear a clear word that was said, but there was a lot to be read from where I was standing. And so I put the pieces together.” Garak punctuated his sentence with enough silence to show his respect. 

“Okay. I’m sure I know what you’re thinking.” Julian straightened himself some more, feeling unsure what Garak was about to say. 

“I — may have judged you wrongly.” Garak let the words hang in the air so the moment could absorb them, but he cocked his head as if in discomfort and so erased the words that were left hanging. “No, I owe it to you to be more direct — I _know_ I judged you wrongly. I was not in a rational state of mind when I confronted you and used those regretful accusations against you. Because that is what it is: deeply regretful to me. I would take it back if I could, Julian.” 

Julian could see that with some people, you don’t need to hear them say ‘I am sorry’ to understand that they apologized. Garak was one such person who showed their apology with all their being instead of the word. 

Julian sighed quietly. “I’ve been feeling all over the place lately. I hope you don’t think I was off having the time of my life away from you, because it wasn’t like that — I have regrets, too.” He wanted to go sit down, but it wasn’t the right time. Not until he’d gotten this out. “I was so upset with you, which didn’t help. I really thought I'd never get to talk to you again.” 

Garak sighed too, looking away with a frown. “I can say the same for me. The fear of you never wanting to talk to me again, especially.” 

Julian nodded slowly. It was awkward, but not bad. He was about to go sit down when Garak arrested his attention again. 

“Is that — your uniform?” 

“Oh — uh, yes.” Julian had nearly forgotten that it was hanging from his hand. “I was going to toss it.” 

“But why?” 

“Uh — it got torn. He tore it.” 

The silence was a bit painful. Garak looked at Julian with hurt in his eyes. “Can I — ?” He gestured to look at it. Julian handed it over. 

Garak turned the fabric in his hands with a professionalism that Julian secretly liked. “It’s not that big a gash.” 

“I don’t know, I thought I'd just incinerate it and be done with it.” Julian was unsure of what to say, really. 

Garak then looked him in the eye, determined. “It shouldn’t be wasted just because of — his transgressions. I can mend it. It won’t be the same as before, of course, but it will be functional again.” 

And here, Julian had thought all along that it was beyond mending. “I’d like it if you’d try.” 

**Author's Note:**

> I got a comment recently from someone on my “Treacherous Anatomy” fic and it got me thinking about how there really are barely any consensual Dukat/Julian fics out there, and why am I not out here writing more. It's been on my mind lately, especially since reading the brilliant “mirror mask” by chrofeather which is a more tender exploration of who Dukat and Julian could be together, if only for a brief time. 
> 
> I tried to go more, let’s say, esoteric for this one. I didn’t want to state too outright what Julian and Garak’s problem is as it’s going to be explored more as the fic continues. I'm hoping it’s coming across and not reading as too pretentious lol 
> 
> Title is blatantly ripped off from one of the biggest drug trip songs ever, "Just Dropped In" by Kenny Rogers, that I love. Is it obvious yet that I have never in my life done any drugs harder than an oxynorm after I had toe surgery?
> 
> If you like this fic, please comment what you liked about it, or just comment whatever thoughts you have ! I love to read feedback.
> 
> And if you like this fic, I recommend giving chrofeather's "mirror mask" a read: archiveofourown.org/works/24657211/chapters/59578888


End file.
